I cry for you today, my friend who must endure such pain. As we all know, at times like this, words, the armor of the English major, fail us. I can tell you that I have been through this, that I know how you feel, and that statement is both true and untrue. I have experienced this, and I have no idea how you feel. I cannot understand that mourning that goes into a relationship I have not experienced. Your strength and vulnerability amaze me. Though these words are nice, what do they matter? I admire you many days of the year, and my admiration doesn't change reality. I want to say something hopeful to you, and yet I, especially, am not the woman to tell you that God might still work miracles, though he could. And yet, I believe that God can do anything He wants. These words break my heart, because it is so scary to be at the point where our only recourse is God. I don't know what to pray for, but I do know that I want your heart to be ok. I love you.

hot nerds

Today I was sitting in the writing center, and through my haze of finals insanity, I started a conversational strain about the hotness of nerds. Various points were put forth for consideration, including the usual suspects: face, hair, body, but others as well which ranged from comic book knowledge to cooking ability. As I considered this conversation, I began to examine my own attraction to nerds, and why I find big brains so sexy. I realized that, in part, I have been conditioned see them as such. Dean Kane, Toby McGuire, and George Clooney play poor simple farm boys, nerdy newspaper writers, or spoiled millionaire business tycoons, who, when the glasses, or button up cowboy shirts come off, become gorgeous, muscular, wavy haired gods who embody every disney prince characteristic a girl could ever want, plus, they can FLY!

life as i am coming to know it

Hello dear ones,

-It seems that we have created a bit of a blog community among my English grad student friends; this is not surprising considering who and what we are, but having a place to rant, tease, explain, and generally "talk" in the way that comes easiest to most of us has become rather a lovely getaway from life in general

-At a church event this weekend (saturday, nov. 10th) I encountered a friend whose cancer I have been aware of for quite a while now. She has finally lost her hair. The moment I saw her, I had to leave the room because I couldn't contain tears. Upon reflection, I found my reaction interesting. Why was it that the loss of her hair brought home to me how devastating her disease is? I don't think that my reaction would have been so strong if she had been a man, and this led me to think that I associate how I feel about the women around me with their personal appearance. I think that this extends beyond cancer to more mundane matters, but I haven't thought far enough to articulate them.

-I'm not so sure about this Jesus thing.

-I am becoming more and more sure about sex.

heather

teaching: not for the faint of heart

I have been thinking a lot lately about teaching. I plan to be a teacher, and on some level have long known this was my "calling". I recently found out that next semester I will have the opportunity to try my hand at teaching at the college level for the first time. It seems that a trial by fire of English grad students is the norm for out second year of grad work. Upon hearing this news I was at once seized by feelings of both intense fear and excitement, not unlike what one might experience right before mounting at particularly daunting roller coaster. I wonder if I will find myself to be completely inadequate to the task of communicating these subjects that I am so passionate about. I wonder if my students will hate my teaching style. I wonder; who am I to think that I know enough to TEACH adults anything?! I have waited many years for this moment, and as it approaches, I find myself much more sympathetic to the teachers I have over the years labeled as "bad", "boring", or "dumb". May my students have more mercy and patience with me than I have had with some of my past teachers.

"...that time of the semester."

Well, it has come, and come with a vengeance. The time of the semester when it seems like everything was due yesterday, and you begin to wonder where all that time that you just knew you had before assignments were due went. Take heart my friends; this too shall pass.

never want to leave college

I have heart those who said that college was the best time of their life. They site freedom from responsibility, idealism, and joy taken in things now no longer enjoyable (sex, alcohol, etc.) This thought came to me as I expressed the same sentiment today during a conversation with some friends at my own institution of higher learning, and yet, what I was contemplating missing, was the exact situation I was in. I was sitting around on some couches in the library talking. Our conversation ranged all over from the inherent goodness of humanity to the effect of a believe in general intelligence on teaching, and the evils of censorship. I love open conversation that is spiced with gentle, and not so gentle, teasing that makes one reexamine one's beliefs and truly see things from another point of view. I hope I always have community like this.

We talked a lot about intelligence. I think that my personal wishes that everyone have the same potential for intelligence are laughable, but at the same time, how else can I teach? I cannot simply say to one," You're smart, I shall do my upmost to challenge you," and to another, "You have very little capacity for learning, let me refer you to this trade school, so I don't have to deal with you anymore." I don't know how to reconcile this, and yet I sincerely believe that a giving into the belief that some students simply can't learn on some level would be greatly detrimental to my potential classroom.

"...give them cake!"

What makes a good day

This is my first post on this, my new blog. I have lots of thoughts to share, and got tired of the myriad problems I was encountering on MySpace. I hope everyone enjoys. Today, I was in a foul mood, so I grabbed my laptop and crawled under my covers, hoping to shut out the world. I ended up inviting it in. I just started downloading random music. After a while, I felt better. I know this sounds beyond emo, but I would just like to give a "shout out" to those artists that sooth our souls and remind us that it's gonna be ok. So, in the spirit of spreading the love, I encourage you to go and put on your favorite CD or iPOD track and relax.

heather